1. Everyone is laid back and easy-going.
2. We're all athletic and toned. Even the guy balancing a plate of fifty hot wings on his oversized beach ball of a belly.
3. Everyone is, amazingly so, equally comfortable in jeans or dressed for a night on a town.
4. Everyone is honest, kind, generous, and looking for the same.
5. Every blasted person is not into games, drama, or baggage.
6. Beaches are divine. Let's go for a long, romantic walk down one of those things. Wouldn't that be refreshingly original?
7. We're all looking for someone beautiful on the inside, as long as you're flipping perfect on the outside. We will all justify our vain assumption that we deserve supermodels by pretending we care about your cholesterol level, and declaring a weight limit is simply us showing our concern for you achieving a doctor-approved BMI. It has nothing to do with doinking people with squishy middles. Nope.
8. Everyone is happy and content with life. Except for still sucking at relationships at 45 years old.
9. MAKE US LAUGH, DAMN IT!!!!! We flipping love to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. Laugh, laugh, laugh.
10. No, seriously, perfection isn't required. Just...be perfect. But don't be perfect. But you won't get a reply until you prove you're perfect.
11. Did we mention we love life? Life is so goddamn loveable. Let's stop and sniff those freaking roses. It's just the right thing to do to make sure you know we love life.
12. We don't really know what we're looking for because who can define love? Well, let's try. Here are five hundred requirements you must fulfill before you may message us....
13. We love the lord. And four-wheelers, apparently.
14. We all have either an aloof cat or a weird breed dog.
15. We don't want to make the sex. Wanting to make the sex is such a turn-off. We only want to mind-meld with you. Hold hands. Do the dishes with you. Sit on a couch and knit with you. Keep those naughty bits away. We're ever so pure. By the way, if you have naked pics, feel free to send them to....
16. ZOMG, we love the outdoors. Love, love, love that outside thing. It's so outsidey and capable of elevating our match percentages with more people of the opposite sex.
17. We love the wine. Wine is so much more elegant than beer, so let's all taste wine and eat the cheeses that so tastefully complement the wine.
18. Who cares if we haven't actually extricated ourselves from our current relationship? We're hopeful, forward thinking people and are just thinking about our future. And when to tell our wives/husbands that we're filing for divorce...
19. We're not needy but we're so very, very, very lonely and deprived of sex and willing to become an extra appendage for you if you'll just love us for the love of all that is holy...but we're not clingy. No.
20. Look at our boobs! Look at our pecs! Now stop objectifying us!