Don’t worry. This isn’t a diatribe about the inherent unseemliness of dating websites. I’m not here to judge your desire to find a mate, be it an illicit weekend fling or a forever partner. I get that life is so hectic nowadays that it’s easy to sign up for a dating website. You can reach out even while you’re plugging away at yet another ten hour shift at the workplace from hell. Take a pic, share some thoughts about your hopes, your dreams, the lovely lady you hope to meet to accompany you on this life journey—it’s cool, daddio. I’m in the same boat.
I get it.
I also get being a little unsure of how to handle the experience. Maybe you’re a lousy speller. Perhaps you express yourself better vocally than you do in print. Who knows what really works when it comes to the nefarious profile and the heart-stopping first email you send to a gal?
Can I give you some tips on how to make a good impression on us womenfolk? It sure seems like a lot of you are really, really, really, really struggling with the concept. Having tiptoed into the dating minefield again, I have a sneaking suspicion I speak for a lot of women when I say…Dudes. Come on. You can do better. Here’s how to handle opening the lines of communications with a woman who is also online in hopes of finding a love match:
- I can’t speak for every last woman who has invested a little energy into crafting a dating profile, but overall, I suspect this much is true for many—we aren’t going to scramble to make a connection based on your car or your dog. Sure, dogs are cute. And some of the ladies like cars. Me, I’m a fan of the American muscle car. However, I’m pretty sure my soulmate isn’t a BMW or that Porsche you’re standing next to at some random car show. I’m also not attracted to Labrador Retrievers or Pit Bulls.
- Some of y’all, you really need to rethink your personal description. “Fit” “Athletic Build” and “Slender” mean very different things to us, apparently. Your soft white underbelly may not be hanging over your belt, but we know the difference between a man who works out on a regular basis, and a guy who is genetically…average. Also, we can see the beer gut in that pic of you standing next to the Porsche at the car show.
- Current relationship status is important: If we say we aren’t looking for someone who is still married and you can still file jointly with someone, move along. We’re not exactly eager for the inevitable 5,000 texts and hang-up calls from the psycho-still-his-goddamn-wife-who-hates-his-guts-but-will-annihilate-any-woman-who-dares-look-at-her-man-before-spousal/child-support-payment-agreements-are-settled-upon.
- Probably not a good idea to post a profile pic of you and a Hooters waitress.
- Probably not a good idea to post a profile pic of you and a stripper.
- Probably not a good idea to post a profile pic of you and handsy drag queen.
- First contact is supposed to make a good impression, yes? So, your first email probably will have more oomph if you say more than “hi” or “hey” or “sup”.
- First contact shouldn’t be you introducing yourself to your intended’s breasts.
- First contact shouldn’t be you inquiring about your intended’s va-jay-jay.
- First contact shouldn’t include eighteen references to sex, followed by a “just kidding, hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehe’
- We know what ‘DTF’ means, and we’re not ‘DTF’. Seriously. No. Just no.
- Take off your sunglasses. We want to make sure you have eyeballs.
- Take off your Cowboys hat. We want to at least know what scalp zone we’ve entered so there are no surprises.
- We can tell your pic is fifteen years old. Really. It stands out.
- There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Yes, we can be shallow about who we want, too. But, it can make us bristle when we click on the profile of a man who might not be, shall we say….hot…and you’re so vain that you probably think this song is about you . (Listen, Carly Simon never considered me a vanity muse. I know my league. You should, too.) Maybe you’re okay. Maybe you’re a bit plain but you have a nice smile. Maybe you will turn out to have the kind of personality that completely cancels out the third eye growing out of your cheek, and it’s not like we’re in it for just physical attraction. But then half of your profile is a laundry list of requirements a woman must fulfill before you give her the time of day…well, that is pretty damn obnoxious. Not interested in Honey Boo Boo’s mom? Okay, I’m with you there. But hey, Mr. Average, look in the mirror. This isn’t Date-A-Supermodel-And-Make-Her-Understand-You’re-Doing-Her-A-Favor. You wouldn’t make the grade there, yourself.
- Dear God, zip your pants and put the Instagram away. I don’t want to see that junk, and I don’t want to see it with a Sutro filter.
- You’re 95? Congrats on your longevity. It is much to be admired. But you’re also 47 years above the max age of a man I’m willing to consider as a partner. Sorry, but…uh, no.
- You’re 18? No, I am not Mrs. Robinson, and I am most definitely not trying to seduce you.
- Finally, don’t be a woman if I’m looking for a gentleman. No offense, but it’s a little jarring to see a woman with blonde extensions and an obvious affinity for Spanx and maxi-dresses proclaiming herself to be a 45 year old man. The hell?